It’s that time of year again! Look, I know I completely fell off on my NBA blog. I set it aside to focus on other stuff. Now, it would be dumb to skip past all of the sometimes insightful thoughts I have on matchups, playoff series, and THE HAPPENINGS of the league to then start writing the absolutely dumbest and most ignorant thing I write every year.
But I love it! So, here I am, The Duke of Dumb, ready to fire off my thoughts on this year’s NBA draft!
If you’re new here, how the fuck did you stumble upon this mess? ALSO, I have absolutely zero knowledge of the college game. I know nothing about prospects. This year, I know EVEN LESS because it’s a weak draft. At least last year I knew a bit about Victor Wembanyama. This year, I know a tiny bit of info about some massive Canadian lad who led the Boilermakers to 2nd place… and that’s about it. My draft analysis is completely based on my lizard brain’s thoughts on what their name “sounds like” and what school they went to (or the country they are from).
Let’s go!
#1 Atlanta Hawks select Zaccharie Risacher (France)
I am pronouncing this name in my head with a terrible French accent. I have no idea if the pronunciation is right. I’m also pronouncing it with a country twang as “Zacky Rye-sah-churr.” I don’t know if he will be a good basketball player, but I’m excited to see him as the villain in Despicable Me 4.
Maybe great pick.
#2 Washington Wizards select Alexandre Sarr (France)
*bad French accent laugh* ohh ho hoooo, ze French areh readeee to doe-mee-nate ze basketbool world! This is definitely the name of the virus in 28 Years Later. Great draft for movies so far.
Great pick.
#3 Houston Rockets (via Nets) select Reed Sheppard (Kentucky)
I do remember hearing that Calipari guy has lost some of his magic, and Kentucky got upset in Round 1 of March Madness. Is this a white dude? The name makes me think of an old-fashioned shooter straight from the steppes of the Appalachians.
OK pick.
#4 San Antonio Spurs select Stephon Castle (UConn)
UConn won back-to-back NCAA titles, and I feel like Villanova did that years ago? And now all those Nova guys are on the Knicks. The Nova Knicks would look terrifying around Wemby, so this is a foolproof plan for the… Husky Spurs? San Uconnio Spurs? We don’t have the same alliteration possibilities. I’ll think of a good one in a few years.
Amazing pick.
#5 Detroit Pistons select Ron Holland (G League Ignite)
I’m shocked the Pistons selected a mustachioed white guy from the ‘70s, but I understand them trying to connect to the glory days of the American auto industry. Not sure that helps on the court, though.
Bad pick.
#6 Charlotte Hornets select Tidjane Salaun (France)
*Googles*
THIS GUY IS FRENCH TOO? WHAT’S IN THE WATER OVER THERE? CIGARETTE ASH?
Must be a good pick, I don’t know.
#7 Portland Trail Blazers select Donovan Clingan (UConn)
OK, I have heard of this guy. I think he was the best player? I know he matched up with Edey. The name is ripe for defensive puns, so:
Great pick.
#8 Minnesota Timberwolves (via Spurs via Raptors) select Robert Dillingham (Kentucky)
Is a joke about him being an old-time gangster-like John Dillinger too cheap and easy? Probably. But is a Tommy Gun an effective defensive weapon? Yes.
Good pick until he goes to prison.
#9 Memphis Grizzlies select Zach Edey (Purdue)
Well I’ll be ding-danged! The talk I heard around Edey was a lot of debate about if he could even play in the NBA. He’s a lahhhhhge man. I think the Grizzlies drafted him to provide a large, soft cushion for Ja Morant to land on after dunking with his kneecaps.
Good pick.
#10 Utah Jazz select Cody Williams (Colorado)
Colorado Cody is staying in the mountains! I have no doubt this guy will provide an entertaining half-time show of hog-tying steers, but I do doubt his buckets ability.
Bad pick.
#11 Chicago Bulls select Matas Buzelis (G League Ignite and Lithuanian American)
Here we go! A country more known for the basketballs than France (to the casual). I’m not entirely sure how this name is pronounced, but I absolutely can’t wait to hear the ridiculous shit Stacey King comes up with for him.
Great pick.
#12 OKC Thunder (via Rockets) select Nikola Topic (Serbia)
I just, what happened in Serbia’s history that caused them to be so unimaginative with male names? Is this guy as good as Nikola Govic? Or Nikola Potic? WE’LL SEE.
Who knows?
#13 Sacramento Kings select Devin Carter (Providence)
My dad recently was trying to tell us where some people were from in some P-named town in Massachusetts. I said, “Providence?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “That’s Rhode Island.” Eventually we learned the people WERE from Massachusetts, but the town wasn’t Providence. I’m taking it as a win regardless.
Good pick.
#14 Washington Wizards (via Blazers via Warriors) select Carlton “Bub” Carrington (Pittsburgh)
This is the fucking steal of the draft. The other team can’t even make it to the stadium after Ole Bub steals the catalytic converter off their bus. He’s also royalty, though. This has to be some kind of Hillbilly Prince. JUST LOOK AT THAT NAME.
Possibly the greatest pick in NBA history.
#15 Miami Heat select Kel’el Ware (Indiana)
That crafty fucking Pat Riley. He did it again! Nabs a dude from Krypton.
Definitely the greatest pick in NBA history.
#16 Philadelphia 76ers select Jared McCain (Duke)
A McCain from Duke? Absolutely related to the deceased but low bar of human decency that the GOP threw away years ago, John McCain. He doesn’t evoke images of basketball in my brain.
Bad pick.
#17 LA Lakers select Dalton Knecht (Tennessee)
Can he shoot? He better fucking be able to shoot.
He better be a good pick.
#18 Orlando Magic select Tristan da Silva (Colorado and Brazilian American)
I needed to look up where he was from in case he’s a rapper. Is rapping in Portuguese as cool sounding as Spanish?
Probably a good pick.
#19 Toronto Raptors (via Pacers) select Ja’Kobe Walter (Baylor)
I wonder how this guy was named after.
Good pick.
#20 Cleveland Cavaliers select Jaylon Tyson (California)
Our first Jaylon. I remember complaining about the 15 Jalens drafted last year on top of all the Jalens in the league already. I guess this is at least spelled differently, but I’m still leary.
Bad pick.
#21 New Orleans Pelicans select Yves Missi (Baylor)
My good friends Andi and John have a son named Yves. I met him earlier this year. How do I tell them that Yves didn’t strike me as an NBA prospect? How loudly should I scream at them that they didn’t tell me he was an NBA prospect?
I mean, I can’t say he’s a bad pick now. I really backed myself into a corner. GREAT PICK.
#22 Denver Nuggets (via Suns) select DaRon Holmes (Baylor)
He is definitely the coolest guy in the draft. I can already hear that deep bass voice.
Great pick.
#23 Milwaukee Bucks select AJ Johnson (Ilawarra Hawks)
Google has me confused about whether the Bucks drafted a young kid with cool dunks or 37-year-old NBA veteran Amir Johnson. The Bucks have an old roster, so I bet it’s Amir.
Unorthodox but solid pick.
#24 Washington Wizards (via Knicks) select KyShawn George (Miami)
Kudos to the Wizards for seeing how effective a great NFL receiver can be in the NFL. They might as well try anything with that garbage roster.
Interesting pick.
#25 NY Knicks (via Mavs) select Pacome Dadiet (French)
Look, I don’t blame the NBA. All these great Eastern European players have boring names of just different letters with CIC. It’s not a bad idea to get some sweet ass French names in here. DA-DEE-AY is going to be a helluva team chef.
Great pick.
#26 OKC Thunder (via Knicks via Wizards via Clippers) select Dillon Jones (Weber State)
There once was a dude with a similar name drafted from Weber State. Wait, let me google to make sure. YEP. There once was a dude with a similar name drafted from Weber State. His name is Damian Lillard. Guaranteed star.
Great pick.
#27 Minnesota Timberwolves select Terrence Shannon Jr. (Illinois)
I had a great joke about this being the child of ex-Broncos Shannon Sharpe and that great running back who played there at the same time named Terrence. The problem is that guy was Terrel Davis. I’m still going with it.
Great pick for the Vikings.
#28 Phoenix Suns (via Nuggets) select Ryan Dunn (Virginia)
Isn’t this one of the guys from Jackass? Didn’t he die in a horrific car accident? Science is incredible.
Great pick.
#29 Utah Jazz (via Thunder) select Isaiah Collier (USC)
Seems like a solid role player for years to come.
Good pick.
#30 Boston Celtics select Baylor Scheierman (Creighton)
My good friend Dave went to SIU when SIU was good at basketball. Creighton was also good and was a hated rival. Good enough reason to hate this guy for being on the Celtics now too.
Dumbest pick ever. The NBA should vacate their last title.
I greatly appreciate the NBA for turning the draft into a 2-day event to give me some creative rest before trying to think of shit for the 2nd round guys. It’s also good for team employees, but clearly they did it for me.
Lord Blog the Valiant 